Like usual, I am behind on doing my posts. Reflections on the A to Z Challenge were supposed to be completed by last night. Even if I weren't behind as it is, it feels more appropriate to post this on Mother's Day.
I just hung up with my mother. She has no concept of it being Mother's Day, let alone the fact that she is a mother. I do not exist in her world anymore. They put her on the phone and she could hardly complete a sentence, let alone a thought. There were lots of "Um, uhhh, I forget the word" and lots of trailing off. I was able to translate some of it and fill in the blanks. I know what she would have said had it been even a year ago. She just can't do it anymore.
The nurse said that she is doing well, though, as far as her health is concerned - as much as she can, anyway. She has had no problems with breathing nor any other signs of the blood clot since she got out of the hospital. So, the long goodbye and slow neurological degeneration continues.
Last year, I started this blog in honor of the A to Z Challenge. Dad and I were going to work on it together, but life had other plans. I did do several posts in honor of my mother and our journey. This year, I managed to complete it in time for the end of the challenge. It felt good to try to think about the good times with my mom. I enjoyed honoring her memory. I did the same for my dad over on Montessori Writer's Thoughts. I have shed a few tears through the process, but it was cathartic. I will probably do something again next year.
Here are the links from this year's challenge. Following this list are last year's posts, as well.
A is for Acceptance
B is for Bookkeeping
C is for Christmas
D is for Daughter
E is for Easter
F is for Farmer
G is for Gardening
H is for Happiness
I is for Independence
J is for Juggling
K is for Kids
L is for Love
M is for Mommy
N is for Norma
O is for Organist
P is for Prayer
Q is for Quadrille
R is for Reading
S is for Symmetry
T is for Typing
U is for Underwear
V is for Violets
W is for Words
X is for Xendochial
Y is for Young
Z is for Zzzzzzz
Here are the posts I managed to do last year.
A is for Anger and Acceptance
B is for Brain, Babies and Boyfriends
B is for Bras
C is for Caregivers
C is for Crying
D is for Daddy
E is for Escape
F is for Football
G is for Grandma
H is for Happiness
Ignorance is Bliss
J is for Judgment
K is for Kicking and Screaming
L is for Lying
M is for Mother's Day
N is for Normal
O is for Opinions
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
My mother's voice
The other night I took some Benadryl before bed. My allergies have been acting up like crazy and I just wanted to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I was definitely deep in sleep when all of a sudden, I heard my mother's voice in my ear and could feel her breath tickling my ear.
I sat straight up in bed, despite the Benadryl fog. Of course there was no one there. She is in a home 400 miles away. But it really seemed like she had been.
I cannot remember anymore what she said to me. I wish I could. It was something profound and necessary for me to hear. Or, perhaps I just needed to hear it for that moment.
I miss her wisdom and talking to her.
I sat straight up in bed, despite the Benadryl fog. Of course there was no one there. She is in a home 400 miles away. But it really seemed like she had been.
I cannot remember anymore what she said to me. I wish I could. It was something profound and necessary for me to hear. Or, perhaps I just needed to hear it for that moment.
I miss her wisdom and talking to her.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I Had a Dream....
Last night, I had a throbbing headache. (Thanks for passing those on, Mom!) I went to bed early and took one Benadryl. (I still have it this morning. *sigh*) So, I slept pretty hard for about 7 hours or so, before waking up from a really bizarre dream.
In my dream, I was taking some of my students to a large field so that we could look at the stars and use my Google Sky Map app for real. We have used it in real life, but it isn't as much fun when you can't see the stars to match. I am all excited, trying to point out to the kids how you can see the actual constellations and planets in the sky, but they quickly lost interest. (They are ages 3-6.)
So, somehow the dream shifts and we are in some kind of seminar about keeping yourself safe, as well as child development. I am there with a couple of my colleagues, some old friends from back in the high school and college days, and a couple of students. Somehow, I am back on campus in the town where my parents retired, also where I went to school. I am feeling guilty because I have traveled all this way for the seminar, but have not gone to see my mom. My BFF keeps reminding me that it probably isn't the right time to squeeze in a side trip, how upset my mother gets when I do visit, and how hard it could potentially be on me. So, I acquiesce to simply taking the BFF and one other person on a quick tour of campus before we all pile in the cars to head back to NY.
We get to the new building that houses the pool. (My university is in a massive rebuilding phase right now.) I want to take them in there, even though it looks crowded, because this pool is supposed to be amazing. When we go in, I notice that my mom's nursing home is there on some kind of a field trip, and she is sitting in an armchair in the corner!
I go running over to her and introduce myself. "Hi, Mom. I'm Andrea." She snaps at me, "I know who you are," but by her conversation, I know she has no idea. I go ahead and introduce her to my BFF, even though they met a couple of times a few years ago. BFF is wiping tears away, because she has heard about the degeneration, but can't believe it.
The conversation with Mom continues in circles as it usually does. A nurse comes over to take Mom away for her medication, and I realize she is wearing a neck brace. It had been covered up by a blanket. I ask what had happened, because I am usually the one notified when something happens to her. The nurse says she isn't sure, but that it seemed to be more of a panacea than anything actually medically necessary. I wonder briefly if she is reliving 16 years ago when she had back surgery and then remember that she is much farther behind than that anymore.
I feel sad, yet relieved, as she is wheeled away. The three of us turn to head back to the cars. And then I wake up, 10 minutes before the alarm is set to go off.
In my dream, I was taking some of my students to a large field so that we could look at the stars and use my Google Sky Map app for real. We have used it in real life, but it isn't as much fun when you can't see the stars to match. I am all excited, trying to point out to the kids how you can see the actual constellations and planets in the sky, but they quickly lost interest. (They are ages 3-6.)
So, somehow the dream shifts and we are in some kind of seminar about keeping yourself safe, as well as child development. I am there with a couple of my colleagues, some old friends from back in the high school and college days, and a couple of students. Somehow, I am back on campus in the town where my parents retired, also where I went to school. I am feeling guilty because I have traveled all this way for the seminar, but have not gone to see my mom. My BFF keeps reminding me that it probably isn't the right time to squeeze in a side trip, how upset my mother gets when I do visit, and how hard it could potentially be on me. So, I acquiesce to simply taking the BFF and one other person on a quick tour of campus before we all pile in the cars to head back to NY.
We get to the new building that houses the pool. (My university is in a massive rebuilding phase right now.) I want to take them in there, even though it looks crowded, because this pool is supposed to be amazing. When we go in, I notice that my mom's nursing home is there on some kind of a field trip, and she is sitting in an armchair in the corner!
I go running over to her and introduce myself. "Hi, Mom. I'm Andrea." She snaps at me, "I know who you are," but by her conversation, I know she has no idea. I go ahead and introduce her to my BFF, even though they met a couple of times a few years ago. BFF is wiping tears away, because she has heard about the degeneration, but can't believe it.
The conversation with Mom continues in circles as it usually does. A nurse comes over to take Mom away for her medication, and I realize she is wearing a neck brace. It had been covered up by a blanket. I ask what had happened, because I am usually the one notified when something happens to her. The nurse says she isn't sure, but that it seemed to be more of a panacea than anything actually medically necessary. I wonder briefly if she is reliving 16 years ago when she had back surgery and then remember that she is much farther behind than that anymore.
I feel sad, yet relieved, as she is wheeled away. The three of us turn to head back to the cars. And then I wake up, 10 minutes before the alarm is set to go off.
Monday, April 30, 2012
My Mommy Tribute: Z is for Zzzzzzzzzzz
One of my favorite memories is curling up with my mother to fall asleep. When I was little, Mom would rock me in the oversized upholstered rocking chair that she bought when she met my father. It made this horrible creaking noise, the rhythm of which would lull you to sleep. I would fight sleep because I knew as soon as I was out, she would make me go back to bed. It was so comforting to be in her arms.
On Friday nights, we would watch Dallas together. As long as I could fit, I often lay in front of her on the couch. Unfortunately, I seemed to quickly get too big for doing that. She would also let me squeeze into bed with her if I had nightmares or didn't feel well. To this day, when I have a nightmare or don't feel well, I just want my mommy to curl up with me to make me feel better.
I miss my mom a lot. I know she is still physically here on Earth, but it just isn't the same. Thank you for taking this journey with me this month as I reminisced about her.
On Friday nights, we would watch Dallas together. As long as I could fit, I often lay in front of her on the couch. Unfortunately, I seemed to quickly get too big for doing that. She would also let me squeeze into bed with her if I had nightmares or didn't feel well. To this day, when I have a nightmare or don't feel well, I just want my mommy to curl up with me to make me feel better.
I miss my mom a lot. I know she is still physically here on Earth, but it just isn't the same. Thank you for taking this journey with me this month as I reminisced about her.
My Mommy Tribute: Y is for Young
My parents were older when they had us. Mom turned 37 right after having me and 40 right after having my sister. Most of my friends had parents who were at least 10 years younger. Mom was fully aware of being older. She used to dye her gray hair on a regular basis. I would stand and watch her color her hair. I can almost still smell the dye. I didn't understand that she was so much older, though.
Mom always said that she didn't feel older when she had us. She tried to not be offended when people asked if we were her grandkids. The two of us kept her feeling young and that was more important.
When Mom started to decline, people often asked me how old she was. She is 71, but started showing signs ten years ago. All I hear in response is, "Oh, that is so young." Yes, she is young to be suffering from Alzheimer's. It's sad that it struck her so young. At the same time, it was to her benefit as she got to miss the hell of watching Dad die last year. But at the same time, she is forever young.
Mom always said that she didn't feel older when she had us. She tried to not be offended when people asked if we were her grandkids. The two of us kept her feeling young and that was more important.
When Mom started to decline, people often asked me how old she was. She is 71, but started showing signs ten years ago. All I hear in response is, "Oh, that is so young." Yes, she is young to be suffering from Alzheimer's. It's sad that it struck her so young. At the same time, it was to her benefit as she got to miss the hell of watching Dad die last year. But at the same time, she is forever young.
My Mommy Tribute: X is for Xendochial
Thanks to my favorite resource for this challenge, The Phrontistery, I found yet another great word to describe my mom. "Xendochial" means "hospitable; kindly to strangers." That describes my mother to a T. (Or in this case an X?)
My parents were always very accommodating to friends and family in need. Their dinner table was always open for a meal, whether or not it was a holiday. They often put up my friends who needed a place to stay for a few weeks. They liked to take care of everyone.
As for the strangers, my mom was like the motherly figure of wisdom to a lot of the young couples that came into their furniture store. She would spend hours at the desk, talking to the young parents-to-be. She was like an unpaid counselor for some of them. I remember one particularly lonely woman would stay at the store up to two hours after we were closed. Her husband worked nights and she had no family in town. For a few years after she had her baby, we often took care of him.
Mom just had that friendly and comforting look on her face that allowed people to trust her as soon as they met her. Who knows how many lives she was able to touch?
My parents were always very accommodating to friends and family in need. Their dinner table was always open for a meal, whether or not it was a holiday. They often put up my friends who needed a place to stay for a few weeks. They liked to take care of everyone.
As for the strangers, my mom was like the motherly figure of wisdom to a lot of the young couples that came into their furniture store. She would spend hours at the desk, talking to the young parents-to-be. She was like an unpaid counselor for some of them. I remember one particularly lonely woman would stay at the store up to two hours after we were closed. Her husband worked nights and she had no family in town. For a few years after she had her baby, we often took care of him.
Mom just had that friendly and comforting look on her face that allowed people to trust her as soon as they met her. Who knows how many lives she was able to touch?
My Mommy Tribute: W is for Words
Mom loved words. She loved to play word games. My great-grandmother on Dad's side of the family was also a fan of word games. Mom often went to visit her in the nursing home and the two of them would play Scrabble. Grandma Belle would abruptly decide that a game was over, close up the game and announce that it was time for Mom to go home. But they enjoyed their weekly games.
Every once in a while when I was a kid, my mother would bring out the special edition Scrabble game that she and my father owned. They didn't want us to ruin the set; we had a tendency to lose pieces to our games. We ended up with our own word games, such as Boggle and Upwords. After I moved to New York, I often played word games with Mom when we would visit each other. By then she didn't care about following the rules. I would decimate her by using slang and foreign words, because I knew so many in a bunch of different languages. She didn't care. It was more important that we were spending time together and laughed a lot.
To pass the time, Mom started doing a lot of word search puzzles. It was her way of keeping her mind active. It was difficult for her to read, but she could still focus on one word at a time. She had dozens of those books lying all around the house. No matter where she went, she could do a puzzle.
When she moved into the nursing home, we made sure she had a good stock of them available to her. She had a tendency to leave them lying around there in random places, as well. I believe she even got in trouble a couple of times for trying to take some away from the other residents, believing them to be hers.
I don't know how frequently she is using those at this time. So many of those things are difficult for her to do anymore. But if she does, I know she is enjoying them.
Every once in a while when I was a kid, my mother would bring out the special edition Scrabble game that she and my father owned. They didn't want us to ruin the set; we had a tendency to lose pieces to our games. We ended up with our own word games, such as Boggle and Upwords. After I moved to New York, I often played word games with Mom when we would visit each other. By then she didn't care about following the rules. I would decimate her by using slang and foreign words, because I knew so many in a bunch of different languages. She didn't care. It was more important that we were spending time together and laughed a lot.
To pass the time, Mom started doing a lot of word search puzzles. It was her way of keeping her mind active. It was difficult for her to read, but she could still focus on one word at a time. She had dozens of those books lying all around the house. No matter where she went, she could do a puzzle.
When she moved into the nursing home, we made sure she had a good stock of them available to her. She had a tendency to leave them lying around there in random places, as well. I believe she even got in trouble a couple of times for trying to take some away from the other residents, believing them to be hers.
I don't know how frequently she is using those at this time. So many of those things are difficult for her to do anymore. But if she does, I know she is enjoying them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)